Numbness

So I’m in the “numb phase” of my latest depressive episode and it SUCKS. It’s so hard to explain to people too. How do you explain that you just don’t feel much of ANYTHING? It’s not that you don’t care. It’s not that there’s something wrong with them or how they’re presenting their ideas to you. You just don’t really feel emotions right now. 

I have a mood tracker I use (that I will be writing an article about at some point because it’s AWESOME) and lately I’ve been struggling for what to say about my mood. I try to track throughout the day, about 2-3 times a day, but when I’m numb nothing much changes. Unless I get angry. Somehow I still feel that emotion just fine. 

But I’m tired all the time. Tired and numb is pretty much where I’m at. I mean, I still have times where I’ll actually be going along and I’ll think, “Hey, this isn’t too bad right now,” and I feel the slightest glimmer of being okay and I wonder, “Is this what being happy is like?” but no. I’m still numb. 

I don’t know if any of you have read it but Hyperbole and a Half has a GREAT article on depression (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1) which I think everyone should read, and there’s a part where they describe what it’s like trying to remember how to make expressions correctly and you hope nobody will notice but they do. That’s another part of my struggle. When I wasn’t depressed, I had trouble remembering if I went into a numb phase but now that I’m here I’m just like, “Yep. Hello my old enemy.” 

I really hate this. I barely feel anything but I know I hate this. I can’t get excited. I can’t get happy. I don’t even feel remotely okay either. I’m just…here. Pretty much the only reason I’m getting out of bed is because of the animals in my life. My furry kitten, Cleo, is always snuggling next to me in the morning. My fluffy puppy, Sky, needs me to give him medicine for his allergies and take him out for the bathroom. And the newest dog in my life, the dog I rescued, Sarabi, needs me to train her and to try to find her a new and good home. 

There’s only one good thing I can think of to come from being numb. At least I’m not suicidal. And maybe I’m cursing myself by saying that but it’s true. Maybe this is my meds way of working. Instead of getting so down that I want to kill myself, I’m just getting numb. And if that’s what it is then that’s fine by me. 

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